is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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