I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize