I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
