I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
