im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
