We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
