I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
