Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
