I got chris browned last night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
