how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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