He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
