I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
