FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Four minutes until I can fart!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
