I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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