I skipped work to stalk him.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
