I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is it penis luge time yet?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
