guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
