apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
