cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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