Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
