So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
