time to smoke my breakfast
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Less talking, more tequila
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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