I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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