The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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