Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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