Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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