Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
God I need to hump something, right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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