Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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