I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize