I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
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