yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
