I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
