Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
youre lurking in front of me
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Randomize
