I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
