I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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