What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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