i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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