there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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