You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
