Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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