I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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