I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize