Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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