just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
