Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
