She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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