He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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