Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
