I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize