i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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