Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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