ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
