i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
