that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why do cheetos always look like penises
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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