I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
