M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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