I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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