WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize