i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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