the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
