I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
