i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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