new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
