i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
