You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He passed out mid-signature
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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